I’d never known self love before. I’d never known what it was like to truly, incandescently be proud of every fine detail of what makes me…me. When you don’t love yourself…it’s a challenge for others to love you. Coming to that conclusion and actually grasping what that truly means is when I set out to change my life…
13 years is a long time. Half of my life, technically. That’s how long I struggled primarily with bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa from time to time. From the time I was 12 until October 2016, ED (eating disorder) controlled me. Every single thing I did. And I lived by ED’s rules. Eating in front of other people and going out to dinner gave me such anxiety, I made every excuse not to, as everyone became silent when I would excuse myself from the table and/or wait outside the door for me. I felt so uncomfortable in my skin, I wanted to hide. From everyone and everything. ED had me fooled into believing that the number on the scale was directly related to my self worth. In the past, I’d recognized I had a problem, only when it became life threatening, been to treatment, saw several specialists, and even lost hair to the point of bald spots. All of that and I could never just stop. Despite being told to “just eat” “take smaller bites/smaller portions” as though that was what made me sick.
In October after moving back to Iowa from Colorado with a broken heart, I realized ED was partly to blame & I knew I was growing tired. Tired of being consumed and feeling hopeless and stuck. More than that, I was pissed. Someone had left me in my darkest place. So, I made a change that was years in the making. At 103 lbs, I started working out. When I started eating well, I began to see results. I continued to push myself with a goal in mind: compete in my first bikini competition and prove that I AM in control of my body. I’ve always been an athlete and always wanted to compete in a bikini competition but I wasn’t ever healthy enough to do everything it required.
I chose to be open about my eating disorder because it’s real. And more people struggle than we realize. I used to think I was stuck in my relationship with ED forever and that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I know there are people out there struggling and in the same mindset. I want people to know that they aren’t alone. It can absolutely be exhausting to dislike yourself, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
I freed myself the second I decided I wasn’t defined by my eating disorder and finally embraced the thought that I’m actually made up of so much more. The more I embrace it, the more I believe it. I obtained my goal and competed in my first bikini competition in June and will compete again in the fall. All because I overcame something that continuously tried to destroy me.
I have fought relentlessly to become the best version of myself, something I strive for every. single. day. I’m so driven by the fact that I know what that dark place feels like and how alone I felt. I’m driven by the fact that so many people feel it and also struggle as I have. No matter the battle or dark times there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise and it can be overcome and it is possible to find and be the best version of yourself. This is most definitely my reason.
